The Holi I grew up inside.. and the Holi I am meeting now…

When I think of Holi,

my mind still runs back to childhood

before I even realize it’s gone there.

Those mornings were chaos in the best way.

My Nanaji would start the day with thandai—

the real one,

with bhaang hidden in the sweetness,

like a mischief only adults understood.

Relatives pouring in.

Friends walking in without knocking.

Everyone talking at the same time.

No quiet corners anywhere.

The men would dance on the chang,

loud, out of rhythm,

happy in a way only festivals can make grown men happy.

My cousins would spend hours filling water balloons,

plotting their hits

like it was a national sport.

Passersby were never safe.

We still laugh about those victims even now.

And the house—

my god, the house—

It smelled like gujiyas frying,

kanji badas fermenting,

and colours we never managed to scrub off the floor.

That Holi was loud.

Messy.

Joyful.

Predictable.

Mine.

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This year…

is none of those things.

It’s my first Holi after the divorce.

The kids are with their father.

And the festival doesn’t feel like a festival—

but I also don’t feel lonely.

It’s a strange middle place.

Quiet, but not hurting.

Empty, but not breaking.

For the first time,

I’m not preparing a feast based on what everyone else likes.

I’m asking myself a question

I somehow forgot to ask for years:

“What do I like?”

I don’t have an answer yet.

It feels unfamiliar,

like using a muscle I never strengthened.

This Holi,

The house won’t be messy.

Just empty.

No laughing children.

No running feet.

No “don’t throw water inside the house” shouted every two minutes.

Just soft bhajans.

Slow morning light.

A kind of stillness I’m not used to.

Do I like it?

I don’t know.

Maybe this Holi isn’t about knowing.

Maybe it’s about meeting myself in a version

I never planned to become—

a woman rebuilding her festivals,

relearning her preferences,

re-entering her own life.

Maybe this Holi isn’t colourful on the outside.

Maybe the colour is happening inside me,

one shade at a time.

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PS. May this holi colour your life in the shades you like. Happy Holi